TL;DR
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In a Tiny Buddha essay, psychotherapist and author Steve Hauptman reflects on the limits of trying to get every part of life right at once. He describes learning to see competing priorities as trade-offs rather than proof of failure, while stressing that choices still carry costs.
Tiny Buddha published an essay by psychotherapist Steve Hauptman arguing that people cannot satisfy every competing priority at once, and that treating the resulting trade-offs as failure can add to frustration. Hauptman draws on his own experiences to describe a shift toward accepting choices and their costs rather than trying to make every part of life fit together.
Hauptman compares life to a Rubik’s Cube: efforts to put one side in order can leave other sides scrambled. He gives everyday examples, including choosing between client work and household chores, family time and writing, or professional reading and leisure. In his account, the issue is not that these aims lack value, but that time and attention cannot serve them all simultaneously.
The essay identifies three paradoxes in attempts to control life. Hauptman writes that needing more control can leave a person feeling less in control; efforts to control other people can prompt them to push back; and gaining control in one area can require giving it up elsewhere. These are the author’s reflections and framing, not findings from a study presented in the article.
He describes previously interpreting unfinished chores or missed writing time as evidence that he had failed. He now sees those outcomes as signs of choices made: a productive writing day may mean chores wait, while a day spent on chores may leave the book untouched. “Inside every ‘yes’ there’s a ‘no,’” he writes, summing up the essay’s central point that choices carry trade-offs.
Why Everyday Trade-Offs Matter
Hauptman’s essay speaks to a common conflict: trying to meet responsibilities at work, at home, and in personal life while expecting none of those areas to be affected by the others. His point is that judging every unmet priority as a personal shortcoming can obscure the fact that a person has limited time and energy.
The distinction matters because accepting a trade-off is not the same as saying that every choice is easy or that obligations do not matter. Rather, Hauptman suggests that recognizing what a choice displaces may help people respond with less self-blame. The essay offers a personal perspective, not evidence that this approach will work for everyone.
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The Essay’s Rubik’s Cube Metaphor
Hauptman introduces the argument through an encounter with a young speed-cuber who could solve a Rubik’s Cube in about a minute. He says he felt jealous, using the cube as a metaphor for his own wish to get every part of life under control at the same time.
The author identifies himself as a “control addict,” using the phrase to describe a desire to make people, situations, and outcomes conform to expectations. His examples include people who focus intensely on work, family, or managing emotions while other parts of their lives suffer. Those examples are illustrative accounts in the essay, not reported case studies.
Hauptman is identified as a licensed clinical social worker and author of Monkeytraps: Why We Try to Control Everything and How We Can Stop, published in 2015. The source says a revised edition was forthcoming but provides no release date.
““Inside every ‘yes’ there’s a ‘no.’””
— Steve Hauptman, in the Tiny Buddha essay
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Limits of the Personal Account
The essay is a personal reflection, and the source material does not report research testing its claims or establish that all readers experience control and competing priorities in the same way. Hauptman’s descriptions of addiction to control are his own framing; they should not be read as a clinical diagnosis of readers.
He also recounts a medical episode in which a cardiogram showed a blip that his doctor said could suggest a transient ischemic attack, or TIA. The supplied account does not provide a final diagnosis, explain the test results, or describe later medical follow-up. The episode is presented to illustrate his response to waiting and uncertainty, not as medical advice.
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Acceptance in the Waiting Room
Hauptman closes with his account of going to an emergency room after his doctor advised him to do so following the cardiogram finding. While waiting for tests, he says he had to cancel six client sessions, reassure his wife by phone, and consider the possible cost. Instead of responding with anger or worry, he took a nap.
He presents that moment as a small example of accepting circumstances he could not control, not as a resolution to every conflict among work, family, rest, and personal goals. The source provides no follow-up on the medical episode and gives no date for a revised edition of his book. The essay’s immediate conclusion remains personal: Hauptman says he is learning that an imperfect balance does not necessarily mean he has failed.
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Key Questions
What is Steve Hauptman’s main point?
Hauptman argues that people cannot meet every priority at once. He suggests seeing the resulting trade-offs as part of making choices, rather than automatically treating them as personal failures.
What does the Rubik’s Cube represent in the essay?
It represents Hauptman’s wish to get every area of life in order at the same time. He says focusing on one “side” can leave other priorities waiting.
Does the essay provide research evidence for its claims?
No research findings are reported in the supplied essay. Its argument is based on Hauptman’s personal reflections and examples.
What happened during Hauptman’s hospital visit?
He says a cardiogram during a routine physical showed a blip that his doctor said could suggest a TIA, and the doctor directed him to go to the emergency room. The essay says he waited while tests were run, but does not give a final diagnosis or later medical outcome.
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